beyond paradise.

what you got.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:08:07 GMT

Haven't had a decent sleep for a while (2 days really, but that's pretty much an eternity for me since i love/need sleep) but then again i've sacrificed a bit of sleep for a bag of fun and events so in the end all is fair and good!

I've been working everyday and will continue to do for the next two weeks. In a way, i love how im making money despite the fact that im blowing it as faster than i earn it while the downside is i realised work is fun in the during, but after work, and before work, you realise its just really tiring. Unlike studying, theres not really brainwork involved in work but kind of other practical skills are needed which i guess just build up and cause stress and tire the brains and body.

But i like working, its quite fun. Striking up the most random conversations with different people (of course all topics relate to christmas haha) is interesting and you realise that people are NICE with the exceptions of one and two but i like being open and talkative with people. It makes people happy as well as myself.

I had my first gin and tonic as well as hennessy and green tea which was quite interesting, but i can see why they dont serve that at clubs LOL i didnt get drunk but tipsyish which was good enough, and more than enough for a tad of fun. K is alot more fun with people and drinks, very different to what some other ppl i know do at K. I havent been clubbing for a while, for some reason, just doesnt feel the same anymore. Not enough drinks? getting too used to drinks? drinks getting too expensive? the guys on the dancefloor? the hot chicks on the dancefloor?

suddenly not bothered to write anything anymore.

beyond

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 13:31:06 GMT

Things have been a little differently with me lately.

It seems like i've been feeling that i'm changing alot. I remember other posts i've made that i said that i feel different, im growng up, im changing... but honestly i think in the end, i dont think i changed very much. Or really,do i still have that much to grow tha tim still constantly growing and changing and maturing?

I feel that for me, life was somewhat, better last year. I mean i had a swell time this year but something about last year seemed more... adventurous. or whatnot. Maybe cos i went thru alot more last year than i have for the past 17 years or maybe because that was the golden teenage years that im supposed to remember forever cos thats as good as it gets. Contradictingly though, i think i've been out more this year, doing out more... but i dont know. Something about it... i guess life is a little more interesting when things are out of the blue, spontaneous and unplanned. And i guess last year because "fun" was not as expected it was better and this year, expecting life to go on with a blast like the way it did... with such expectations, it just didnt reach the hype.

Clubbing for some reason doesnt match up to the first few times, drinking doesnt seem that great afterall, smoking is out of the way, and drugs... well, i have no comment.

Some people rather have alot of friends and little close friends. Others prefer a few close friends and not alot of other friends overall. I seem to fall into the latter category although i sometimes want the first. I've realised that i actually have a few good, close friends that i can trust and depend. And sometimes its not the ones you seen often, it couold be actually the ones you dont see that much, you dont talk that much, but there was a once upon a time where the friendship hit the top and in a way maintained in that area and there is a certain bond. You realise soon enough that although people change, sometimes the friendship doesnt. And maybe theres not much to talk about anymore, maybe just simple recent events to talk about, but theres some sort of comfort and not really awkward silence. Thats the way i see it anyway. You also realise that those are the people that do not really encourage you in your ways but they accept for what you have become and tolerate the things you do. I guess in life, sometimes we just need someone to listen rather than someone to give advice.

sometimes i miss the people in the past that i've let go. Sometimes i feel that i should have done things a little differently, maintain contact with certain people. People like... juliet, who made quite an impact in my childhood years, im not too sure if we ever meet in the future would it be awkward embarassment or would it be laughs. i dont even remember how it all began. And then shirley... interesting hwo they both left primary school after tha incident. I wonder why i was th eonly one that stayed. I also remember the amount of crushes i had and how they went up and down in a scale of ten couting down my fingers and me tellign raelene all about it. I dont wish primary school days to come back, i dont think id like to relive them because it acutally wasnt that great apart from the workload which was really nothing compared to uni life at the moment. Primary school was... more or less just life for me, highschool was a little more golden to me, there was somestage where i felt, different, like, worthwhile. And then uni is just, different.

Have you ever let your mind wander and i dont know, somehow let it get to yoru future wedding day, you somehow get to the point of the wedding speech and the things you will say. Your best friends standing up one by one going through your life and then how you met this guy...some things really should not be recounted on my wedding day. I wonder with my future husband, if he will know me, and if i'll be completely honest with him. I wonder how its like, to be completely hoenst with someone, no lies, no nothing. I wonder if everything will be ok until that person asks you "what do you think of me and what are my worst aspects". I wonder how i would truthfully, and honestly answer a good friend if i was asked that with no avoidance, no lies, no little white lies, but the pure crude truth.

It feels funny, being the third wheel, the lightbulb etc etc. Not too sure if its jealousy or just boredom. And then i realise how bad it was. Its so easy to forget and neglect when your the one in the pair. It makes me realise (used that word alot huh LOL) that i am a very selfish and stubborn person. When i dont want to confront something then i will be so stubborn and stick to what i want neglecting everyone elses feelings although i "try" or at least say or act so, to suit everyones needs and wants. But then again, isnt that just human? to be selfish and at that moment not really acknowledging that you're being selfish cos it feels good?

sometimes wiht my on and off and my stops and starts i actually wonder if i have a little case of ADHD inside of me, just a little.

heart says, mind says.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:05:23 GMT

I wonder why i felt that uncomfortable tug either at the heart or at the throat. i havent had that feeling for a while to be honest...i mean i thought its been long enough, we've both done fine by ourselves, life apart and all, i guess its easy to forget the little things, the little details, but, to forget a person, to forget the way theyve once made you feel, to forget even partially, its a totally different story. Is it normal to feel that kinda of feeling? was feeling uncomfortable to be physically near them, to talk to them, normal? or is that my minds way of telling me my heart isnt over it.why did i choose to completely ignore. to pretend. to again, be another person. sort of. i dont think it was exactly the right moment for 'guilt' to pop up right? would i have wanted him to notice? im pretty sure he saw me to. we were at most one metre apart and he had a pretty good view of my face. im sure of it. i only took one look and i didnt dare to look any further. im sure debbie saw, and noticed, i wonder why she didnt say anything. i wonder why he didnt say anything. i mean, he cant blame me right? if he can get angry at me for saying nothing, then can i be angry for him acting just the way i did? why am i overthinking, overcomplicating this simple situation? i doubt hes at home doing the same thing, thinking the same thing. i hate myself sometimes. im not too sure anymore. am i feeling like that only because i have no other? or...could it be me not being over it thus have no other. cos that would suck. And in the beginning, im not sure anymore. i think in the beginning it wasnt because there was no one else and i was curious, i think i was just lucky enough to get a click in the first go. i think my criteria hasnt changed and if i can get "no feelings" for various people now, then im sure curiosity wouldnt have been able to over taken me if i didnt feel it. im not too sure whether i feel happy or not that happy that its 3 months break, which means, the 5% chance of me seeing u has lessened even more, and as much as id liek to deny. i really think when i lost you, i lost a part of myself.a part that... a part that allows me to feel that way, you know. that way. because i just cant get that feeling back now. and lust is a totally different story. similar feeling. but. i dont know. i can no longer imagine tht day where we interact on a one to one basis. dinner, movie, even a simple coffee time would be so awkward. i wonder why sometimes, ona general note, is it the more you knew a person, the more you loved a person, the more awkward it would be afterwards? is it because the hearts that were exchanged were in the end, minced up and smashed and therefore ew hate them subconsciously? like, the mind doesnt know of it, or think of it, but the heart, its meeting its first murderer, and so it shriinks a little, and your brains like "wtf? why?". and then, we, like meeting a stranger, accquantance, again, begin to put up a facade. i mean we once let all our defences down, gave everything to each other, whys uddenly is it so awkward and different, so far to a point that we're no longer our true selves? trust me, im not being so specific about who what where when now, im just saying, in general. i was alot less happier before i saw your face. or even your back, or anythign to do with you really. no thta wasnt true. i do better when i go thru our box, i dont feel that lump, i dont feel that sudden uneasiness, i dont feel...scared.

Actually. yeah, for some reason. that feeling, felt like fear.

Interesting.

all of me.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 02:26:32 GMT

i was feeling somber, emo, despressed.. whatever its called.

So at a particular point in the night i began to ask people if it was possible for them to meet up with me and keep my company.

Round and round, eventually its still only him i guess.

The guy that is the best and worst friend.

At 1am, he drives over and i leave home, with permission this time-surprising aye?

And then he takes me for a little drive and then we get back to his house.

We decided to smoke up a little, and so sitting at his 'balcony' we used the little instrument he just made.

At first i had 2-3 cones and i felt the effect already. i think i should have jut left it at that. But i went for a 4th one. The feeling was pretty much like getting really really drunk.except better.

I was laughing at everything and making better jokes at a quicker time. or so i think LOL

and then i started to follow him around like a puppy unconsciouisly. It was prtty funny actually.

Then we went into his room and just laid there for a bit before we ;).

Its interesting. At one point i was pretty much talking to the inside self of me, and it was a younger version of me...an unflattering image.and i had all thse things showing up in my head.

Unsurprisingly i began to think of people. Them. Him. amazing how the first person i would think about is not the one infront of me.And infact i think it was only that moment that i could really remember his face. He then woke me (i didnt really fall asleep...just.. closing my eyes and flying away) asking me what i was thinking about and i said "you'd never guess." and i guess that reflected how i felt about it.

Eventually, he settled into my head.

And i dont know. i think, this is how a platonic friendship is. I actually noticed the difference between now and before. How my body just responds differently. And i dont think its the drugs.

Despite it all though, it was the loudest sex i've ever had.

I realised the different sounds i was making; animal farm really LOL and with each different position and different place i would go an octave higher or lower LOLOL. it was very fun i admit. and i think in the car back him i said something along the lines of "that was the loudest sex i've ever had. I wonder if i woke your neighbours. But i think its a good thing for them. im telling them to wake up and have sex" LOLLL i swear i grew some sort of an accent.

Though its funny that.. when you actually pull your head together, you can actually focus...although the sex was good there was a point where i went down and the weed+gagging = >< but i kept on going and he reached his climx too. then i went to rinse, and when i got back i realised it was 3 so i told him to take me home.

I can be persistant at times i guess.

And i guess that was also another sign to me that he was nothing more than a friends with benefits to me.

In the car, i dont know what led up to the point, maybe he was just seeping it in to me at tht state so i take it softer but im pretty sure he said "After knowing each other for so many years... we can tell thers something really wrong with each other" and i only nodded.

I also realised that im less active when im high, unless im told to be. When im high and my eyes are closed i just want to lay there forever, not move.

And unlike my night before, somewhat ironic, i think i know what i want now more than ever.

clubb

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 08:36:07 GMT

went HAVANAS last nite for a fun night before beginning of uni.

i think, it was one of the better clubbing experiences i had, not that i've had many.

When we got to St James, first thing i did was grab a burger, i was hungry and i guess there was a subconscious thought about the amount of alcohol i will be soon consuming.

We got there, and because people were just simply connected, we jumped the line LOL didnt have to pay... and then got up there, cloak room. and the party started.

The dance floor was empty, two guys trying to start it off.. sort of failing, we went to grab drinks, alot LOL and then one friend was a bit too wasted already LOL and funny enough when she went down to dance, shooting out her hot moves, the guys down there barely looked. they were too busy with their own moves LOLO. they have issues. they need help.

Anyway, eventually, the night went on, people paired up, and i was eventually pushed towards guy 1. he was a nice guy, personailty my type, physically not my type. after me and friend went to the bathroom, its hard to find them again. And so then eventually crashed into guy 2, who was... physically my type, personality not my type LOL .

Got drinks, went to dance, crashed into friend, started dancing with her and then guy 2 walked off, but thing is she had a guy dancing with her already == so feeling lightbulb-y i went to the bathroom thinking, third time lucky i went out, couldnt find anyone except one of the girls i just met earlier on and then she led me to sit down for a bit when one of the guys who i also met earlier on before we went havanas, got me to go dance with him. Thats guy #3. physically not my type, personality not my type, yet in the end i hooked up with him . LOL

gosh. things i do just to make myself feel better before uni starts.

but anyhow, it was a good nite overall, and i wouldnt mind something like that happening every now and then just to keep my spirits up =)

tonights the nite.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:46:55 GMT

went verandah last nite.... had a pretty busy day/days LOL. Getting there too early is never a good idea. But the nite always starts slow and ends too fast right? It was nicer than i expected it to be, but less classier than i was told. But thats okay ;) we got free drinks(champagne) & as a true asian would, i skulled what i could till effects took over LOL. and then danced the nite away <3

the worst part to every clubbing event is when its home time. Not because you dont want to leave. trust me, by the end of the nite when ur hungry and your feet are killing, the clubs are the last place you want to be.

First we all went KFC to eat... then the niterider home. For some reason i felt quite sick on the bus =X almost a moment i thought was going to throw up on the bus... but that passed... maybe it was a bad bus driver.. everything seemed too rocky ><

And getting off that bus omfg... COLD...COLD... COLD!

i hate how we have to walk that short distance in the cold. but then again its pretty close already so i guess no complaints.

Woke up in the next few hours and then went to eat pho and bowling...

got home, and slept the next 5 hours <3.

ebayy

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:36:53 GMT

I've been out quite a bit lately.. not late night outs but like.. just out.

Shopping around, watching movies... it seems pretty back to basics. i dont know.

But anyhow.. the bank numbers are going down and i guess i'll let it since its holidays.. whats a better time to use money aye?

So far watched transformers and i love you man at the cinemas and watching the proposal atm streaming haha .

Im wondering is life is better simplistic, bored, nothing much to think about or would it be better with drama, complications, and everyday deep questions to think and feel.

We all face the consequences of our actions. Sometimes it might not hit us right after,, it could take days, weeks, months or even years. But sometimes when it drags out that long.. when we are facing the consequence we dont even remember it was caused by ourselves long long ago.

blah.

oh, ebay item#1 just sold. i cant believe 12 watchers and only 1 bidded! what assholes! o well. and the tightrope shoes are actually doing not too bad. i think i bough tthem for what? 10 bucks? its 10.50 atm with no postage so im pretty satisfied... hope the barbies do okay xD

sigh. MONEYYY roll in pls ^^

i love you.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:52:19 GMT

Apparently theres 4 types of important people you will meet in your life.

The first is yourself.

The second is someone that you love.

The third is someone that loves you.

The fourth is someone that you will spend the rest of your life with.

And apparently, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th person will never be the one person.

May Day- Suddenly Thinking of You

Most afraid of the silence.

Most afraid of friends sudden worrying over me.

Most afraid of memories suddenly flashing infront of me constantly.

Most afraid of suddenly hearing about you.

If missing you has any sound...id hate it to be pain or tears.

Today, finally i belong to myself

What's left are tears; i still cant lie to myself

Suddenly thinking of you

Where would you be

Are you happy or sad

Suddenly thinking of you

Sudden sharp sting of memories

Sudden can't see clear anymore.

We were like the most beautiful song

Now turned into two sad movies

Why did you bring me on a journey of tears

And left me with the most painful souvenir...

Us. so sweet, so beautiful

how can we believe

Such a crazy and passionate past.

Why do we still leave

Our happiness and regrets to fade...

Suddenly thinking of you..

where would you be.

Are you happy? are you sad?

Suddenly thinking of you.

A sudden strong memory.

Suddenly i cant see clearly anymore...

Im most afraid of the silence.

Im most afraid of friends suddenly worrying about me.

Im most afirad of memories constantly flipping through my mind

So much that it hurts.

And im most afriad of suddenly hearing your recent news.

Im most afraid that i've already told myself that there's no more you

Yet suddenly, i hear about you....

First Love

Is always the most beautiful.

Yet leaves memories that will always bring tears to your eyes.

But.

Will that person cry for you?

At the most happiest moments

You will always think of the first person that once gave you happiness.

At the lowest moments

You will always think of the first person that cried for you.

People, sometimes, just cant forget memories.

To forget someone you once loved, isnt easy. You can only wish and hope that those memories dont cause anymore pain than it already has....

To love... is a gift.

To be loved... is a even bigger gift.

To feel pain... is to be human.

To feel pain because of love... shows we lived humans greatest gift

glass

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:50:06 GMT

Glass shatters.

It�s possible to piece all back together.

It�s reversible.

Almost everything in the world now is reversible.

We click undo when we make a mistake in documents.

We retrieve something that has been deleted.

We say sorry in attempt to go back to the way things were.

Keyword; attempt.

Humans are not the same as computers.

Feelings aren�t logical.

Logic can be a feeling, just not the other way.

When something is gone, can we really just click the �restore� button in our heart, and believe that everything is the same and that there�s no flaw?

When we piece back together the glass with superglue or whatever it is that you use, will there be no signs that it was once broken into little pieces?

Will some fragments be missing?

How about the smallest bits of glass remaining on the floor that you don�t notice?

One day.

One day the glass you once shattered will catch your attention again.

Maybe it was due to pure accident.

Maybe it was thrown on the ground purposely in spur of the moment.

But you�ll walk closer� and closer

You�ll realise that it is not at all the way it used to be.

There�s cracks, it�s no longer smooth�.

It�s fragile.

More fragile than what it was before.

And the pieces that you once missed, the ones on the floor� there�s some that is too small to cause any harm. But there will always be an exception of one or two glass pieces you just happened to miss that day.

And it will pierce you.

Until you bleed.

me, exams and you

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:43:43 GMT

its been a while. i didnt know i havent blogged for a while. it wasnt until she told me she started a new blog and showed me that i suddenly had the urge to blog.

its been uni exams lately. life has been.. stressful?to a point where a random pimple grew on my neck. now seriously that doesnt happen much. LOL

i have to say though.. my definition of stress.. i dont really know.. im kind of numb to it.. i mena i feel pressure.. but stress.. i feel like i dont really 'feel' it.. im going in circles arent i? i'll stop now.

lately.. i've been thinking of him alot. i dont know.. just randomly.. started missing him again. this usually happens when im alone.. especially when im studying.. maybe its because theres nothing better to think about.. or maybe because studying reminds me so much of him.

but its weird. its the type where.. when i dont see him, i think of him, i miss him. i want to see him. but when i see him, i dont really.. i dont know.. its a neutral feeling when i see him. i think.

whats worse it that i even have dreams about him. i think, bewteen me and him theres this like.. sexual tension .. its.. just there.

skip all that .. and theres still the depth of trust and love that once lingered.

its just because its exam period, and im rather lonely. this will be gone the moment exam is over and i start going out again.

will it really?

i'll be honest. i do know how i feel about him. but at the same time, i know nothings going to change, in the short term anyway.

i loved how we had a talk to clarify things, to have a rather cleaner ending. but. it was only the other day i realised all the things said..all the excuses.. maybe not everything.. but alot of things...

at times of breakup, its not essential to be too honest.

so what if i said what i said before, does that mean even if you felt different but because i said what i said you just immediately give up without second thought.

i dont have the energy to be angry at you. i dont think i have the right. i think im stupid. for believing your lies. for still thinking of you. for still missing you.

i know what its like to feel lonely. we all do. its all a phase people go through. but we grow up. we mature. we realise theres just going to be days where sometimes u have to carry your own bag. sometimes you wont have someone next to you. and i learnt that. i dont mind sometimes. but its when im reminded that im alone. i care. it hurts. its like.. knowing something unsaid is a completely different story to it being said aloud.

yeah, the past is the past. and to be pretty honest.. life isnt too bad at the moment. it could always get worse. i havent yet hit rock bottom and i dont think im anywhere near. i have a new gor, my brother is being nice, my mom and i are getting along fine, uni friends are okay, i have my best friends, im 18.. maybe whats missing is just love. but then again i've lived without it for 16 years.

you know.. its only now that i realised.. i told myself i wont write about him again.

well. i blame exams.

stupid uni exams.

on a brighter note...

actually, now im just lying to myself. there is no brighter note.

its just been me, exams, and thoughts of him lately.

i cant wait till its all over. everything.