I wonder why i felt that uncomfortable tug either at the heart or at the throat. i havent had that feeling for a while to be honest...i mean i thought its been long enough, we've both done fine by ourselves, life apart and all, i guess its easy to forget the little things, the little details, but, to forget a person, to forget the way theyve once made you feel, to forget even partially, its a totally different story. Is it normal to feel that kinda of feeling? was feeling uncomfortable to be physically near them, to talk to them, normal? or is that my minds way of telling me my heart isnt over it.why did i choose to completely ignore. to pretend. to again, be another person. sort of. i dont think it was exactly the right moment for 'guilt' to pop up right? would i have wanted him to notice? im pretty sure he saw me to. we were at most one metre apart and he had a pretty good view of my face. im sure of it. i only took one look and i didnt dare to look any further. im sure debbie saw, and noticed, i wonder why she didnt say anything. i wonder why he didnt say anything. i mean, he cant blame me right? if he can get angry at me for saying nothing, then can i be angry for him acting just the way i did? why am i overthinking, overcomplicating this simple situation? i doubt hes at home doing the same thing, thinking the same thing. i hate myself sometimes. im not too sure anymore. am i feeling like that only because i have no other? or...could it be me not being over it thus have no other. cos that would suck. And in the beginning, im not sure anymore. i think in the beginning it wasnt because there was no one else and i was curious, i think i was  just lucky enough to get a click in the first go. i think my criteria hasnt changed and if i can get "no feelings" for various people now, then im sure curiosity wouldnt have been able to over taken me if i didnt feel it. im not too sure whether i feel happy or not that happy that its 3 months break, which means, the 5% chance of me seeing u has lessened even more, and as much as id liek to deny. i really think when i lost you, i lost a part of myself.a part that... a part that allows me to feel that way, you know. that way. because i just cant get that feeling back now. and lust is a totally different story. similar feeling. but. i dont know. i can no longer imagine tht day where we interact on a one to one basis. dinner, movie, even a simple coffee time would be so awkward. i wonder why sometimes, ona  general note, is it the more you knew a person, the more you loved a person, the more awkward it would be afterwards? is it because the hearts that were exchanged were in the end, minced up and smashed and therefore ew hate them subconsciously? like, the mind doesnt know of it, or think of it, but the heart, its meeting its first murderer, and so it shriinks a little, and your brains like "wtf? why?". and then, we, like meeting a stranger, accquantance, again, begin to put up a facade. i mean we once let all our defences down, gave everything to each other, whys uddenly is it so awkward and different, so far to a point that we're no longer our true selves? trust me, im not being so specific about who what where when now, im just saying, in general. i was alot less happier before i saw your face. or even your back, or anythign to do with you really. no thta wasnt true. i do better when i go thru our box, i dont feel that lump, i dont feel that sudden uneasiness, i dont feel...scared.

Actually. yeah, for some reason. that feeling, felt like fear.

Interesting.