Im not too sure anymore, whether i think too much or i think too little.

Or whether i hink only up to a point which i believe is too much but really is the point of where i want to think to. Im such a dreamer in that sense i guess.

Th epast few days have been all on one. Busy, yet somewhat quiet. Theres been ups, theres been downs. Theres been staying up and theres been sleeping too much.

Sometimes we think, oh the fun nowdays doesnt reach up to the hype it onced reached back then, that, we no longer think back to a particular event which we smile about, laugh about...feel embarrassed yet proud about. For me, i think, ive again done such a thing. I guess thats what we call life.

Maybe back then, those moments, it just felt like, that was the top limit, nothing more exciting and outcome could have occurred. And i guess now older, more experienced, theres only higher to go, yet the higher, the more dangerous, and thus more precautions to be taken. But whats fun when precautions are involved rite?

Recently stopped listening to my ipod, started reading. Made a booklist, the story line of each did captivate me for a while, but nothing caught my attention like " the secret history " by donna tart. i guess by having the protagonist similar to my own age, thoughts similar at some point to my own, etc, it made it more interesting to read. 

Its near the end of the week, which means i'll no longer have two jobs, which really sucks because im used to the cash flow...need another job asap.

Sometimes when you feel like you know someone inside out, at one point u realise you dont know them at all...i wonder if thats the same case to everyone... i wonder sometimes, what is my worst aspect, my worst habit, the worst thing about me that i dont know about.

I guess from what i know, and i admit, my worst part would be my greediness and selfishness, maybe sometimes my naiveity and stupidity. Maybe its all added up to create one big mess. I think ive made it pretty clear that i am so contradictive that i dont even understand myself sometimes. But arent we all contradictive? or is it just really me?

Actually, sometimes i think that there is a limit to fun and dangerous acivities because im too selfish to die. I want too much in life that im just not ready yet for the final step.

That night, when he came up from behind me and tried to resume what happened a few months ago, i felt in a way disgusted. Im not too sure whats changed, me or my feeligns towards him. i mean, obvously the latter has changed but somehow i feel that some part of me also changed. (actually, the disgust could be fromt he fact that he thought i wasnt straight thus he tried to take adantage of me at that moment... which is really sick and really wrong on so many levels) Im not going to settle for less, and i dont think i ever really intended to, but, back then the thought of it wasnt so bad, but now, it just seems, any less is somewhat a degradation of my self esteem as low as it already is. Im not saying its thats low that it hits the negatives, definiately higher than that, but i know what i am, what im worth, and im honest about it to myself. sometimes i might decieve myself a little, make myself feel good for a little while, but reality kicks one eventually, either the morning after when i see my face in the morning or something.

On a more positive note, i really need to finish of my christmas shopping, little presents here and there, some for friends some for family (i mean, theres not alot to give which is agood thing, but that also means not alot to recieve right ? ahaha) oh well, life is fair rite? oh and when i asked mom what she wanted for christmas she said she wanted scissors.... >_> but then again better, but less humorous than the person at blue ribbon who stated their mom asked for a ball for christmas. And so they got her a fluro yellow, toy ball LOL seriously, wtf rite? and debbies gona get back from china, finally, its good to see someone from uni after such a long time, i sorta miss her. And as far as favouritism goes, i admit it. I realised i have too many favourites here and there lol, and actually all my close friends are different in so many ways it makes me wonder if it is the fact that they all reflect a certain part of myself which i like or something.

Who knows. For now, shower and bed time <3